Unfortunate Summaries

May292012

This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don’t.　

Death Cab For Cutie

May282012

SHUT UuUuUuUuUuP

oh

my

god

to certain people who are not getting the hint like jeez this is it samreen let's just completely shut them out

May92012

I think I am

I have?

I have Borderline Personality Disorder

everything applies like right down to the word:

- low self-esteem

- unstable self-image

- impulsive behaviour

- unsure of own identity

- losing their sense of reality (feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body)

- viewing people/situations in extremes

- having a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder

- having a pattern of difficult relationships caused by alternating between extremes of intense admiration and hatred of others

- having recurring self-harming/suicidal thoughts

- repeated acts of self-injury

- having frequent emotional overreactions or intense mood swings, including feeling depressed, irritable, or anxious. These mood swings usually only last a few hours at a time. In rare cases, they may last a day or two

- having long-term feelings of emptiness and boredom

- having an intolerance of being alone

- having inappropriate, fierce anger or problems controlling anger

but idk so I wanna be diagnosed properly

oh it says depression and panic attacks happen often with people who have borderline.. how are we supposed to distinguish?

unrelated (I guess)

I’m becoming more and more of an introvert

and I don’t like my brothers’ friends coming over at all

it’s my house too and I want to walk about freely without worrying about random people looking at me/talking to me

I want alone time omg so much

which is why I stay in sometimes, it’s so therapeutic, I can’t even explain how much it helps me to stay away from people sometimes

there are a handful of people

no, not even

there is literally one person on this planet who I wouldn’t mind being with for any amount of time

just because she gets me so perfectly and we don’t have awkward silences and I’ve never wanted to be away from her

but I need a break from everyone else most of the time

I’m really really hoping I can get that in university

I really really want that. It’s the only way I can see me getting better

oh gosh one more thing

I want everyone around me to understand that I’m super sensitive to negativity or sudden actions

like my mom just starts talking about this stuff in front of my brothers and she means well

but I get so stressed out and I just want to recoil into myself and never talk to anyone

can’t people just think before they talk? ugugugugugugugh but that’s stupid because I should learn to take things as they come

I know I can do it alone, I just need someone to support me and push me to do it

but not like my mom

her way of pushing me is like “smile, c’mon OMG WHY ARE YOU NOT SMILING SMILE”

:/

push me gently okay

too much to ask for from these learned professionals who should know what they’re dealing with?

sigh.

things I didn't say

May82012

things people should know about me when they claim to be “close” to me
(this does not apply to you, oh wonderful blog sharer
and don’t worry, I’m not sad or angsty, I’m only posting this here because writing helps me organize my thoughts and not obsess over them and this is my personal personal)

I will not help people who don’t help me

okay

better put- I have no motivation to help people who won’t even try to help me

nono

who don’t care about helping me

or listening

I can only force myself to do so much but I won’t help you if I don’t genuinely want to

that’s not how I work

I don’t even give fake compliments, soooo

I guess you have it coming if you’re like that :/

I can’t tell if this is a virtue or a vice though

well, obviously not a virtue

maybe a neutral?

idk, I’m okay with it

wooo look at me genuinely accepting my flaws

May32012

I am upset, three weeks is long, and I wish everyone wasn’t busy all the time.

May22012

I don’t like her

- she uses gay as an insult and she knows I’m bi :/

- she has THE most shallow problems and I just cannot listen to that

- she rages about other people who have the same problems as her and is condescending towards them.. I don’t understand..

this has been a post I am just going to speak to her once in a while before I get to move kkkkk

April282012

I had this dream

and if I don’t get it out of me, it will keep bugging me

the whole day today, images kept flashing in my head with such horrible intensity

anyway.

I was in this big house with my best friend, and we were playing hide and seek, but then we realised there was a big giant outside of our house (bear with me, it gets seriously worse)

and if he saw us through the windows or open doors, he would kill us

and we had to keep moving, or he would find us

we were scared shitless, I could feel it

but we managed to hide the whole time

and I didn’t consciously realize it but it obviously symbolized God (you know how you know things during dreams, and they seem so obvious that you don’t even have to think them? like that)

so we were alive and scared and hiding

and then Shawna got up to run and while she was running to the bedroom, Ibad came running towards me but he didn’t know the whole vicious giant deal so I had to shush him and hold him next to me so the giant wouldn’t kill him

and he understood and was quiet

and when we were moving through an open door to the bedroom, the giant saw us and in that split second, I realized that Shawna was standing next to a window too

and I heard a shot, or several shots, I don’t remember

and I remember looking straight at Shawna, watching her eyes widen because she had been shot but I wasn’t even registering it

and then I realized I was holding Ibad’s body and I didn’t want to look down and I fell to the ground clutching him to my chest

and I was so in shock that I couldn’t think anything

just, so literally

I have never had such a vivid dream before

and then Ibad was awake and okay and the giant was gone and Shawna was standing near the window

and Ibad looked so bewildered to see me so shocked for no reason

but when I looked down and I saw him alive I started to feel the sudden impact of all of it

I remember thanking God over and over and over

which was incredibly ironic because my mind thought the giant was God

and I was just sobbing and clutching Ibad even harder to my chest

and that’s all I did for the rest of the dream

I remember doing that for a long time and feeling this drowning feeling in my chest

it felt so good to see him alive but it hurt so much because I had almost lost both of them

I just

I can’t even explain how clearly I felt it in real life

and when I woke up, I realized that’s how people super close to me, like my parents, would’ve felt when they learned I was suicidal

or when I went to the hospital for the second time

and it felt unreal because I couldn’t picture anyone loving me like that

I’m not saying that because I feel angsty, I really cannot picture that at all

I don’t think people cry over me because they love me so much

okay I’m going into unnecessary detail

this was a horrid dream.

April242012